to feel more tonight

I want to dance and shout. . . I want to feel more alive than I do. My music is loud. The hour is late. My heart travels from sad to empty to excited and back to melancholy once again these days. The world is such a hard place, but it is all I know. I struggle with yearning for a place I don't know and being at peace with a forever that is a mystery to me. I'm stumbling here. I'm the weakest. I'm not who I really want to be. I want to be free of fear. . . but a sense of security eludes me. My daughter looked at me yesterday and said, "We all die don't we." It was more of a statement than a question really. I said yes and held her close. I want that childlike acceptance. I don't want to question and wrestle and doubt. I want to have a joy and hope that makes me leave the roller coaster of feelings that I seem to ride each and every day. My girls deserve that. They need that in their mom and I would love to give them that soon. I have some work to do. I will continue on with my loud music and the late hours because it is then that I start to remember who I am. I will not be afraid to dance to the beat in my kitchen by myself. I need more of that. . . more dancing. . . more words that stir my heart. . . more time to let myself feel God's grace and compassion on this wayward soul.